I've never really thought about sunbathing in the altogether but recently someone asked me where the nearest naturist beach was. I'd no idea, but that night curiosity got the better of me. Ibiza-spotlight provided the answer.
One is described thus:
“Favourite beach for island residents, backed with high cliffs, official nudist beach, but still very mixed, some go naked, others don't” (Aguas Blancas Beach)
Sounded perfect. What could possibly go wrong?
Wandering along the beach I noticed a large tent erected on the sand. Inside was a film crew and a model having her make-up re-touched.
The beach was crowded with naked and semi naked bodies of all ages, shapes and sizes. Under a sunny, cloudless sky, I found a spot to place my towel close to a couple of stunning, completely naked women.
I took a deep breath and exposed myself on a public beach for the first time in my life. I'd imagined that in the act of divesting myself of all my clothes, people would stare, and wonder what would be on show. Not that there's much to see mind you.
My fellow sun-seekers however simply ignored the new 'nudie' and carried on relaxing. Simply enjoying the freedom to be themselves.
My next challenge was to apply sun protection to myself without causing any form of mid-riff embarrassment. I'd brought two bottles with me. A low factor for my body, and factor 30 for those parts that hadn't previously been exposed to the sun.
I'd never used such a high factor sun protection before and despite my best efforts and discreet hand movements it just wouldn't rub in. My groin looked like it had been covered in whipped cream with a chocolate flake stuck in it.
I was clueless as to what to do next. Sat next to two gorgeous naked women, furious rubbing of the cream might not be the best choice. Not to do so would've meant I'd be lying in the sunshine with a Baked Alaska between my legs!
"Hey! Just a minute! You doing the Full Monty?". I looked up to see one of my friends wandering out of the tent. Unbelievable!
He was producing a video for the promotion of a new beachwear range.Just my luck. My first attempt at embracing naturism and I meet a guy I drink with down the pub.
Looking at my meringue mishap he burst out laughing. The two women were biting their lips with tears rolling down their faces.
Later, chatting and smoking a cigarette with these two women, I noticed a couple lying on the sand behind me. She was topless, he was naked. However, from the evidence of the empty beer cans surrounding them, both had clearly been drinking all day and were sound asleep.
There is an expression in Spanish about tourists who don't protect themselves from the sun. 'Rojo como una gamba'. (as red as a prawn). This expression was just what I was witnessing as I puffed away on my cigarette. The guy was turning bright red. Top to bottom.
I was then faced with a difficult dilemma. I mean, it's not every day that I wake up a man sleeping near me and comment on the state of his penis. In fact, come to think of it, I've never done so. When it comes to a man informing another man that … well, you can imagine… how do you achieve this without pointing and letting him know you've actually been staring at it for the last 10 minutes?
As I put out my cigarette, deciding to warn him, he suddenly sat bolt upright. He looked at his privates and then clutching it in his hands ran straight into the sea. Clearly in considerable pain he sat in the water, his entire front bright red, his back lily white.
The sun is powerful in Ibiza, so wear sunscreen.
Just a minute!
Footnote: Both women turned out to be charming and delightfully Spanish. We exchanged numbers and a week later I was sat, fully dressed this time, having dinner with one of them. As an ice-breaker hapless sunbathing in the altogether definitely has its advantages.
