How best to beat those dopamine-depleting, serotonin-sapping Ibiza blues? Turn off the lights and get to your bed. That's it. Every single night as early as possible and for however long it's necessary. Yeah, forget attempting to console yourself with your budget smoke machine, while Cocoon's 18th season compilation rumbles in the background and nostalgia spasms in your gut. Just do us all a favour and crawl under the covers where you can put up a barrier between the world and your wounded, blinking eyes before the silence takes over.
A bit harsh? Aye, perhaps, but not all is lost. Yes, the superclubs are closed and an icy, nipple-biting winter probably calls for the majority of you – a time when the blues hit us the most. And yes, we are privy to the fact that this is a reality that is unlikely to be as pretty as sights of the crystalline Mediterranean ocean, tear-jerking sunsets, Amnesia's ice cannons blasting the crowd into oblivion or a villa afterparty robustly kicking off post sunrise.
But hey, as painful (by first-world standards, admittedly) as the wait until next summer might be, it's manageable, eh? So, digest that message of written hope and be on your way. Since we care deeply about your mental wellbeing, we are right behind you on this one with our dependable guide for overcoming those blue-shaded woes.
You can probably guess what the last one is…
Backpack your way to states of bliss
They say you can't run away from your problems, and that advice is utter bollocks. You can absolutely shoot yourself 35,000 ft in the air, land on a different continent and feel absolutely brand new.
Hoot scoot your way from Brazil down the east coast through to Argentina, dip back and forth between Argentina and Chile, bounce into Bolivia, push on into Peru, explore Ecuador and call time in Colombia. Think about it… have you pissed your mates off enough by repeatedly reminiscing about Ibiza? The above will give you fresh meat for a boast. Is your Instagram not quite sickening enough to other users with your Balearic footage? BOOM - give it four months in the southern hemisphere and they will be drooling.
You can fill your boots with the kind of life-fulfilling experiences that can be had by visiting some of the world's most eye-gawping natural wonders and incredible man-made landmarks. Those might require early nights to rise early feeling fit for the task. Or, if you're missing your Ibiza DJs and dance music, you could go for a good clubbing. Sven Väth, Damian Lazarus, Nastia, Steve Lawler, Dubfire and Pan-Pot are just a select few to have visited South America in the last month, and there are plenty more where that came from. Just check out your favourite DJ's social media.
Travel to your heart's content, but remember to come back to us. Don't make us come and find you.
Pack in those nutrients
The bread and alioli diet is infamous, eh? Opening the lid of that yellow tub, breaking off the end of your freshly baked baguette and dipping it in is an incredible feeling at the beginning of your Balearic venture. Give it seven days and you'll be gagging.
If you ventured into elrow's heaving pit in the Main Room of Amnesia, you might have found the raw vegetable stand, and we're not judging if you packed away a red cabbage out of malnourished desperation.
If you have been suffering alioli-based premonitions for the upcoming summer season, now's your time to gorge on a vitamin-packed diet. Chuck those fish oil capsules down like your dancefloor life depends on it, stock your cupboards with an alarming amount of supplements, be the pretentious twat who doesn't stop raving about avocado. With Christmas looming, do you know how nutritionally valuable the brussel sprout is? Get packing, people. We want you feeling fresh when you land. Afterwards, of course, do what you want.
Follow the DJs
Picture a world in which DJs sacked off all winter activity. As a collective power source of mixing manpower, they thought, “Sod this, I'm out for six months. Here's my Circoloco set from July. Crack on and cheerio.” A right barrel of laughs that would be, uh? Fortunately, it has never happened since dance music big-banged itself into existence, and nor will it, unless a giant asteroid pursues us to the extinction of mankind, the extinction of everyone except Marco Carola, who will be playing a marathon set until new life forms emerge.
DJ schedules are often just as jam-packed over the winter, especially with Christmas and New Year nailing techno-fuelled parties to the board. That is good news for lovers of the beat. Clubbers can wait until their favourite booth heavyweights stop by their city or they can relentlessly stalk them over the course of four months until Ibiza beckons. There is potential to do a bit of both: wait and stalk. Brilliant.
Our guide to Ibiza parties around the world definitely makes the hounding game an easier task. Due to social media pressures placed on DJs to keep us mere mortals in the loop, through Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, we know exactly what they are at for some portion of the day. Creepy. Get following and chase those beats down.
Numb it all through mindlessness
You might be having a bout of feeling socially incompetent. Put you in a small group of strangers at any gathering that is meant to have you enjoying the company of others and you will either sway uneasily from side to side or blurt out a deadly conversation-killer like, “Well isn't this a lovely rectangular room?”
If the above sounds accurate and you are sashaying through social circles with zero grace, then consider staying at home and consuming mindless entertainment until your brain implodes. Stick on Adam Sandler movies and laugh with abandon at the bit where he trips over the kerb, gets hit on the nose with a cricket bat or falls off a cliff. Rally through those light-hearted quizzes, the kind that determine what will be written in your obituary or how Samuel L Jackson narrated your life.
You are under an unhealthy amount of stress, so avoid anything that might lead to you encountering deep reflection. Stick to low comedies, people. Do not venture into the horror zone.
Get booking
You are on that plane home feeling like a bag of boulders, and the one singular thought twisting within the confines of your skull is this: MORE IBIZA. It is never too early to book, and why wait? By kicking plans for next summer into motion, you will quickly find that those blues will all but disappear… almost.
Look at Papa Sven. Don't let him down.
Consult the party calendar to choose your favourite dates. This boat party is already on sale with a super early bird deal. Then book your villas or hotels. Here are some great villa deals for early birds who book by the end of this month.
